Lesbianism is an abomination before God and needs to be banned sharpish. Well, that's unless the blokes can watch…
Hot lesbian love scenes between Rachael Stirling and Keeley Hawes for their new BBC2 drama have already got middle England spluttering into its milky tea.
But Hawes, who found fame in Spooks, reckons the show may encourage those same viewers into a bit of same sex experimentation.
She plays Kitty, a Victorian male impersonator, who falls in love with innocent girl from the sticks Nan.
Hawes grins: "Yes, it's costume drama… but it certainly isn't about women looking for husbands."
She continues: "How did we approach the love scenes? I knew that question was coming. Well we did get fairly drunk if I'm honest. And then it was kind of fun.
"In any case, kissing a woman is not really that different from kissing a man — there is just much less chance of stubble rash."
Of her previous telly work, Hawes adds: "I enjoyed Spooks and what was amazing was that it didn't put people off. I'd make a terrible spy and now I wouldn't want to be one either, but apparently most of the country does.
"Within an hour of the first show going out, MI5 had something like 85,000 hits on their site… it has gone up tenfold.
"Maybe after Tipping the Velvet, everyone will want to be a lesbian. Not sure there is a website, though."
Co-star Stirling believes her screen romps with Hawes were so authentic that many people will think they were at it for real. She says: "I am thrilled because it's challenging in terms of the sensational aspect and how it reflects on me. I reckon people might go: 'Oh, she's a raving lesbian' for about a month and then forget about it. I don't care.
But it's a really good piece and I hope that, in the long term, once the controversy dies down, it should be fun to watch."
Stirling adds: "Apart from Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit and the odd snog on Brookside, there is bugger all else that's every delved into lesbian relationships.
"Tipping the Velvet is about love and it shouldn't matter whether it is two women or a man and a woman.
"Nan's so funny that you shouldn't mind whether she falls in love with a man or woman. You want her to be happy at the end of it.
"If the lesbian theme makes people tune in, then all the better. I hope by the end of it they are carried away by Nan and her story, so it overrides any titillation.
"But there is definitely titillation there… they won't be disappointed on that one."
But even straight-talking Stirling was shocked at the blunt way screenwriter Andrew Davies told her to handle a dildo on camera. She laughs: "Andrew, naughty man, has got a lot to answer for… there are ways and ways of writing stage directions."
However, she adds: "You don't see exactly what is written in the scripts. I am not saying that you don't see anything, because you do.
"But as the director invariably said in every single scene: 'It's more the art of what isn't seen.' After all, you don't want to watch your leading girl through clasped fingers, embarrassed at what she's doing."
Stirling found game through a string of meaty roles in Still Crazy, Maybe Baby and Complicity.
But early on in her career, she hid the fact that she is the daughter of legendary Avengers beauty, Dame Diana Rigg.
But now she admits: "Looking back, I probably dealt with it in the wrong way. I thought that admitting she was my ma would take away from my own achievement.
"That was dumb. Now I celebrate it and am hugely proud of it. She reads the odd script, but doesn't get involved in any of my work. She is my ma, not Diana Rigg."
Stirling was determined to land the lead role of Nan after reading the book by Sarah Waters last year. She explains: "I felt passionately about it. The one thing I minded more than anything was that the film should be funny to watch.
"I didn't want it to be a breast-beatingly serious drama about lesbians… which it is not. It is a simple tale about this girl and the fixes she finds herself in. It has a vibrancy and an energy that just blows you away.
"Nan has got a wonderful spirit of trial and error about her. She tries anything and goes anywhere and meets anyone to try and discover who she is.
"She throws herself into things 400 per cent. She is strong and brave and funny and modest and charming and, more than anything, determined to find someone to whom she belongs.
"It is the 1890s and Nan doesn't feel she fits in particularly in Whitsable with her family. She doesn't belong in the oyster parlour.
"She is tempted by something to do with the theatre and finds herself drawn to Kitty.
"She goes from innocent girl to music hall star to rent boy to live-in lover with a manipulative, rich lesbian. Every day of filming was a complete joy because I discovered something different about her."
Away from the cameras, Stirling is shacked up with boyfriend, DJ John Lycett-Green. She laughs: "I'm a DJ bitch. I sit behind the decks and thwack any girl who comes up slobbering all over my boyfriend… and anyone who asks for S Club."
