Rachael Stirling Online

While this isn’t a comment on the server downage, and I know this isn’t the place to comment on it (but if I put the comment in the appropriate place nobody would notice and therefore read it ) I had read the “Rachael’s Diary” article and was amused by the dry british humor. Canadian humor is subtly different… take for example, the following piece about Rachael giving an interview.

*****This piece is entirely fictional with the exception of the name of the newspaper, which was the paper I delivered on my route as a child*****
******Once again, just for clarity. Just a piece of fiction. Out of my own head and nothing more. Just for the fun of it. Not true, or serious!******

Ok… another interview… I can handle this… should have slept some last night instead of staying up watching “The World’s Best Soccer Riots” marathon. It’s ok though, they always ask the same bloody questions anyhow, I should be able to do these things in my sleep. Ah, here comes the waitress.

“More coffee Miss?”
“Please… and if you could add the caffeine they take out of the decaf and put it in mine that’d just about do me.”
“Uh… Miss?”
“Never mind, just a coffee will be fine thanks.”

No sense of humor that one I guess. Oh, here he comes now. Bloody hell I can’t remember the name of his newspaper! Has something to do with a rodent I think… Manchester Marmot? Cheltenham Chinchilla? Doesn’t matter.

“Good morning Ms. Sterling, my name is Gary, you’re looking quite radiant this morning.”
Liar!
”Good morning Gary, I’m so sorry I’ve forgotten the name of your publication. Do have a seat. Coffee, Tea?”
“Thank you no, and I’m with the Oakville Beaver. It’s Canadian.”
“Yes of course. Well, let’s have at it then shall we?”
“Certainly, before I begin, I’d like to tell you a little about our little paper. Oakville is a smallish town in Ontario…….”

Beaver! I should have remembered! Is that a rodent? I think so. Canadian symbol if I’m not mistaken. Why would anyone choose a beaver for a symbol. Bloody ugly rodent. That’s the image to convey. Lord, he does drone on. Ricky Martin??? Why am I suddenly thinking of Ricky Martin. Who popped him into my head. He does have a nice bum though. Shaking it about in that video. Can’t remember the name of that song. I wonder if he’s really gay.

“Jim Broadbent?”
“What?”
“I asked you about working with Jim Broadbent, and you questioned his sexuality”
“Oh lord no, sorry I was thinking about… that waiter over there with the unspeakably large biceps. Terribly sorry.”

Nice cover that one. Good thing it’s a Canadian paper otherwise they’d have me drooling over that cro-magnon waiter, and Jim hanging out in leather bars looking for love. Now concentrate! Pay attention for heaven’s sake before you do some real damage.”

“Now Canada does have some good theater, mostly re-casted stuff from the states, but Toronto does have a thriving theater industry. I was lucky enough to catch a showing of…..”

There he goes blathering on again. Just ask me a bloody question! Oh, for heaven’s sake, I’m almost out of cigarettes. I’ll have to get some from that store downstairs… I hate going in there. I don’t care what anyone says, I’m sure I saw that guy smelling the five pound notes when he thought nobody was looking! I’ll just have to give him a tenner then won’t I. Damn, there’s Ricky Martin’s bum in my head again. Why won’t he go away! God! Do I have a crush on Ricky Martin???? Oh Lord, absolutely not! Adamantly no! Where’s that waitress with my coffee? Oh, wait, it’s here and been drunk already. Lordy time does fly when you’re thinking about Ricky Martin. No, I am not thinking about Ricky bloody Martin! Pay attention to Larry? Barry?… Gary! From Canada. Land of the maple leaf… where they have maple syrup… mmmm… maple syrup… I wonder if I should order something sweet to eat. Oh wait! He’s finishing up already. Bugger it then I’ll pick up something at the shop with the note sniffer.

“Gary, it’s been a pleasure. Sorry to chat and run but I do have a million things to do today. I’ll leave some tickets for you at the door for tonights performance shall I?”
“That would be great thanks. And good luck to you. Or break a leg, or whatever it is they say. Theater is not usually my beat you know, just filling in and getting a fine vacation out of the deal!”
“Well, thank you Gary and enjoy the show”

The following Wednesday, this article appeared in the Oakville Beaver:

I had a chance to sit down and have a chat with Rachael Stirling who is currently starring in a play called “Theater of Blood” in London. Those of you who subscribe to BBC Canada will undoubtedly know her from the mini-series Tipping the Velvet, and not much else this side of the briny blue. She looked exquisite, but seemed a little flighty. When I asked about her play she cryptically answered that there was absolutely no competition with her mother (Diana Rigg of the Avengers) and that is was a pleasant situation. However, when asked about her relationship with her mother, she prattled on about some fellow from Tesco’s with “firm buttocks.” When asked which was her favorite, theater or film, she looked pensive for a moment and then suddenly spat out “Oh Lord, absolutely not. Adamantly no!” I posed the question “We all can see what qualities you’ve taken from your mother but what have you gotten from your father?” When she answered “A very large dildo, it hangs on the wall in my flat.” I disliked the direction the interview was taking and decided to end things. She was gracious and polite as she left, whistling a tune which I believe was “La Vida Loca”. Strange creatures these theater people, but she’s cute as a bug’s ear and did I mention she did sex scenes with Keeley Hawes? She certainly gets my vote for best interview yet!

Gary Fringe, Oakville Beaver
(editors note- Gary will be back on the horticulture beat next week. Look for his feature on tulips!)